If you have more than one child, you’ve likely played referee to sibling squabbles: the toy tug-of-war, the “he started it!” shout, the endless competition for your attention.

Sibling rivalry can be exhausting for parents and tough on kids, but here’s the good news – with the right strategies, you can help turn those fights into friendship. Siblings don’t have to be enemies; in fact, they can become each other’s greatest allies.

Psychologists remind us that “relationships with our brothers and sisters are among the most enduring and significant many of us will have in our lives”​. As a parent, you play a key role in nurturing that lifelong bond.

In this guide, we’ll explore 7 practical tips to help your kids get along better, from defusing conflicts to creating positive shared experiences.

Over time, you can coach your children to resolve disagreements, support each other, and maybe even (gasp!) enjoy each other’s company. Let’s turn those sibling spats into smiles!

The Truth About Sibling Conflict (It’s Normal!)

First, take a deep breath – sibling conflict is completely normal. Brothers and sisters often have intense relationships because they spend so much time together and are vying for the same resources (toys, space, parental attention). In fact, research shows siblings between ages 4 and 8 can fight up to 8 times an hour on average​. That statistic might sound wild, but if you live with young kids, you might be nodding in recognition. So, you’re not alone, and you’re not a “bad parent” because your kids bicker.

The goal isn’t to eliminate all conflict (unrealistic) but to teach them healthy ways to handle it and to balance fights with plenty of positive interactions. Think of it as giving them relationship training wheels that will set them up for a strong bond later. Siblings truly can be each other’s best friends for life – many are! – and they learn conflict resolution, empathy, and cooperation through these early experiences at home.

Now, on to the strategies to help those relationships flourish.

1. Set Ground Rules for Fair Play

Children often clash over boundaries – “She took my doll!” “It’s my turn!” As parents, one of the best ways to prevent fights is by establishing clear, fair rules and routines that head off competition​. Sit down during a calm moment (not in the heat of a fight) and lay out some family rules for how siblings treat each other and share things.

For example:

• Turn-Taking: Create a visible schedule for things like who picks the TV show, who rides shotgun in the car, or who gets to use the tablet first. Post it on the fridge so everyone knows the plan​. If Monday is Alice’s day to choose the movie and Tuesday is Ben’s, there’s less to argue about.
• Shared Spaces: If the kids share a room or play area, set guidelines (e.g., “When one is doing homework, the room is a quiet zone” or “Ask before borrowing your sibling’s stuff”).
• No Hitting/Name-Calling: A basic rule that while disagreements will happen, certain behaviors (hurting bodies or feelings) are not allowed. Emphasize using words or getting an adult instead.

Make sure the rules apply to everyone and are age-appropriate. Younger siblings might not have the same chores or bedtimes as older ones, and that’s okay if you explain the reasons openly​ (“Your big sister stays up later because 10-year-olds need a little less sleep than 6-year-olds”). When kids understand the “why” and see that rules are consistent, there’s less resentment.

Importantly, enforce the rules consistently. If you’ve said that hitting results in both kids taking a 5-minute break apart, follow through every time. Consistency helps kids trust the system instead of taking matters (or swings) into their own hands.

2. Don’t Play Favorites – Celebrate Each Child

One root of sibling rivalry is the fear that “Mom/Dad loves them more than me.” Even if you know you love your kids equally, they might perceive imbalances in attention or praise. Be mindful of comparing your kids to each other (“Why can’t you be tidy like your sister?” – a big no-no) as this fuels competition and resentment. Instead, celebrate each child’s unique strengths and achievements individually.

Give each child some one-on-one time with you when possible. It can be as simple as a 15-minute bedtime reading with one child, or a quick errand where you take just one kid along and chat. This fills their “attention bucket” so they’re less likely to compete with their sibling for your focus.

When siblings fight, try not to automatically side with one child every time. Hear out both (if they’re old enough to explain) because the “aggressor” in one situation might be the “victim” in another. If one child consistently feels like they’re seen as the troublemaker, they may lean into that role out of frustration. Show empathy to both: “I know you’re upset your block tower got knocked over, and I know you were mad your brother wasn’t sharing the blocks.” Then guide them to a solution (more on conflict resolution soon).

Key point: Avoid labeling your kids (the “athletic one,” the “smart one,” the “wild one,” etc.). Labels, even if positive, can pigeonhole kids and breed jealousy. Let both siblings hear you praise the other – and them – for various things. “Wow, you worked hard on this drawing!” to one and “I’m proud of how you kept trying in soccer today!” to the other. Each should feel valued for who they are.

Children who feel secure in their parents’ love have less need to compete with their siblings for it.

3. Teach Them to Work It Out (With Guidance)

As tempting as it is to jump in and dictate a solution during every fight, it’s even more valuable to teach siblings conflict-resolution skills so they can eventually manage on their own. Think of yourself as a coach rather than a referee. When a squabble starts, unless someone is getting hurt, see if they can resolve it before you intervene. Often, minor bickering fizzles out if not given too much attention.

For more serious conflicts, step in calmly and guide a conversation:

• Separate them for a minute if emotions are super high, so they can cool down.
• Bring them back together and let each child speak in turn. You can model using “I” statements: “I felt sad when you grabbed my toy” rather than “You’re mean.”
• Paraphrase what each says to ensure they feel heard: “So you’re upset because you were still playing with the doll when your sister took it. And you took it because you thought she was done. Is that right?”
• Ask them for ideas on how to solve it: “What can we do to make this fair?” Younger kids may need suggestions (trade off, use a timer, play together, etc.). Older kids often can come up with creative compromises when prompted.

If they reach an agreement – fantastic! Praise them for that. “I love how you two figured out a plan to share the LEGOs. Great teamwork!” This reinforces positive behavior.

If one child was clearly in the wrong (say, one hit the other), you still want to encourage reconciliation. Have them apologize and make amends in a meaningful way (a hug, helping rebuild the knocked-over blocks, etc.). But avoid forcing a fake-sounding “sorry” without further discussion, as that doesn’t teach empathy.

Over time, you might notice the kids starting to negotiate on their own using the patterns you’ve practiced. For example, siblings might start saying “Let’s take turns” or “You go first this time, I go first next time” without you having to prompt – a HUGE win!

Remember, you are preparing them for a lifetime of relationship skills. Siblings who learn to handle conflicts kindly have a head start on handling friendships and other relationships later.

4. Catch Them Being Good (and Teaming Up)

Often, parents (understandably) focus on breaking up fights. But it’s equally important to notice and reinforce the good moments when siblings are playing nicely, helping each other, or showing kindness. Positive reinforcement is powerful. When kids realize that cooperating earns praise and attention from Mom or Dad, they’re more likely to repeat those behaviors.

Make a habit of “catching them being good.” For instance:

• When you see them sharing (“I see you let your brother have a turn with your game – that’s so kind!”).
• When they are working together on a puzzle or make-believe game (“I love seeing you two build that LEGO city as a team!”).
• When an older sibling comforts a younger one who is crying, or a younger sibling cheers for an older one, point it out and celebrate it.

Some families create a “Kindness Jar” – each time siblings do something friendly or helpful for each other, a small token (like a marble) goes in the jar. When it’s full, the family does a special activity together (like a movie night or park outing). This makes kindness a game and a shared goal.

By emphasizing positive interactions, you shift the family atmosphere. The kids start to see themselves as a team rather than rivals. Even small privileges earned together – “If you guys clean up the toys together, we’ll have time for a quick story before bed” – can foster a we mentality. As child psychologists note, siblings are each other’s earliest playmates and can be a crucial source of support and connection​. Help them see that side of their relationship by praising their friendship whenever it glimmers through.

“Siblings can also be an important source of support and connection. Here are some strategies for keeping the peace between siblings and fostering strong ties that will stick with them long into the future.”​

5. Encourage Fun Activities They Can Do Together

Sometimes siblings fight simply because they’re bored or don’t know how to positively engage with each other. One way to promote bonding is to set the stage for fun shared experiences. Think of activities that suit their age gap and interests, and let them enjoy good times together.

Ideas include:

• Cooperative games and puzzles: Choose board games where players work towards a common goal (like a cooperative board game against a “challenge” instead of competing against each other). Or give them a big puzzle to solve as a duo.
• Creative projects: Art or building projects can unite siblings. For instance, a giant cardboard fort or a blanket fort they build and play in together. Baking cookies as a team (one stirs, one measures) is another great bonding activity – plus tasty results.
• Outdoor adventures: Nothing tamps down squabbles like fresh air and teamwork. Send them on a backyard scavenger hunt where they have to find objects together. Or have them team up to race against the clock (e.g., “Can you two gather 10 sticks in two minutes? Go!”). At the playground, encourage games like one sibling pushing the other on a swing – then swapping.
• Shared hobbies: If they have a mutual interest (dinosaurs, superheroes, doll fashion, sports), fan those flames. It could be a sibling “club” where they draw dinosaur comics together or a mini sports match where they practice as a team.

The goal is to create positive memories and inside jokes between them. The more they laugh and enjoy each other’s company, the more they’ll view each other as friends. Schedule a weekly “Sibling Play Date” if needed, where for an hour they do a special activity together (with you facilitating for younger kids).

When they inevitably hit a snag (“No, put the Lego here!” “I want it there!”), gently coach them through it using the conflict resolution tips above. But try to step back and let them bond without too much parent interference when things are going well.

6. Empower Older Siblings as Leaders (Not Bosses)

Older siblings often crave responsibility and can either become protective big brothers/sisters or bossy “third parents.” You can guide them toward the former by empowering them in a positive way. Ask for their help in teaching the younger one a new skill (“Could you show Sam how to tie his shoes? You’re so good at it”). This appeals to their pride and flips the dynamic from competition to mentorship.

Be careful, though, not to overburden the older with parenting tasks or to always side with the younger “because he’s little.” That breeds resentment. Instead, give the older child special status as a role model. Praise them when they set a good example or show patience. If a younger sibling idolizes their big sibling (which is common), point that out to the older: “She looks up to you so much. When you share your crayons with her, it makes her day.”

However, also remind older kids that being older doesn’t mean being the boss. They still must treat their sibling kindly and follow the family rules. If an older child starts bossing or bullying a younger one, step in firmly and remind them that everyone in the family deserves respect. Sometimes explaining it in terms of fairness helps: “How would you feel if your older cousin talked to you that way?”

When appropriate, let the older sibling have some say in age-appropriate privileges (like staying up a bit later or having alone time), but make sure to frame it not as “you’re better” but “you have different needs because you’re older.” Meanwhile, the younger can have their own “little kid” perks (perhaps more help from Mom/Dad on things or a special cuddle time) so they don’t just see what they don’t get.

By cultivating a sense of leadership rather than rivalry in the older child, you encourage them to protect and guide their younger sibling, which builds affection both ways. The younger feels supported, and the older feels valued.

7. Create Family Traditions that Unite Siblings

Shared traditions give siblings a sense of being part of a unit, a team. Think about starting a few fun family rituals that focus on cooperation or togetherness:

• Sibling Special Day: Some families celebrate “Sibling Day” (separate from the official one) where each child makes a card or small gift for their brother/sister and they do a fun activity together. It reinforces that having each other is something to celebrate.
• Teamwork Challenges: Occasionally, set a challenge that requires teamwork, like a treasure hunt with clues where siblings must pair up to find the prize, or a family game night where siblings are on the same team competing against parents (kids versus parents trivia, anyone?). The shared victory if they win, or even the shared defeat, can bond them.
• Evening Share & Care: At dinner or bedtime, have a routine where each sibling has to say something nice about the other or recount one helpful thing the sibling did that day. For example, “Today I want to thank my sister for helping me build my train set.” This can be incredibly sweet and shifts their mindset to look for the good in each other daily.
• Photo projects: Create a sibling photo album or digital slideshow that you add to each year, showing them having fun or hugging. Look through it together occasionally. It helps them see the narrative of their friendship growing.

Family traditions become treasured memories. Years down the road, your kids might laugh together about “remember when we always built a pillow fort on Saturdays?” or “remember how we beat Mom and Dad at Pictionary that one night?” Those positive memories act like glue in their relationship, especially as they navigate inevitable rough patches.

When Rivalry Runs Deeper

If you’ve tried all the usual strategies and one child harbors real anger or jealousy towards the other over time, it may help to dig deeper into the cause. Big changes like a new baby, moving house, or school troubles can sometimes exacerbate sibling tensions. A child might take out stress on their sibling simply because it’s a “safe” target. In such cases, giving that child more emotional support and perhaps one-on-one time can indirectly improve the sibling dynamic.

In some families, personalities clash more intensely; one child might be very sensitive and another very pushy, for example. Tailoring your approach to their temperaments is key. The sensitive child may need help voicing feelings, while the pushy child may need coaching in empathy and self-control.

Don’t hesitate to seek advice from a child counselor or your pediatrician if sibling fights are extreme (like frequent physical fights or extreme jealousy) – they can provide tailored strategies and ensure there aren’t underlying issues like ADHD, anxiety, etc., contributing to the conflicts.

Lifelong Friends in the Making

Keep the long view in mind: you’re not just refereeing today’s quarrel over a toy; you’re teaching your children how to love, negotiate with, and support someone they live with – skills that last a lifetime. Sibling relationships have ups and downs, especially in childhood. But with your guidance, those ups and downs become learning experiences that ultimately tighten their bond.

Encourage them to see each other as teammates. When appropriate, use language like “we’re a family” and “you two are on the same side.” Frame challenges as something they can overcome together. And when one sibling achieves something (scores a goal, wins an award), involve the other in celebrating, so pride becomes shared rather than jealous.

Remember that even siblings who seem to fight constantly when young often grow into close friends as adults. The turning point might be late teens or college age – but it comes! By laying the groundwork now, you are helping that future friendship emerge.

Every time you intervene calmly, set a rule, praise their cooperation, or help them solve a conflict, you are reinforcing the idea that they are stronger together. One day, they’ll thank you for it. They’ll have a lifetime ally in each other – someone to reminisce with about childhood, to lean on in tough times, and to share life’s joys.

In the meantime, relish the sweet moments: the giggles behind closed doors, the big sibling reading to the little one, the spontaneous hug after a fight resolves. Those are signs you’re on the right track, turning rivalry into a strong sibling bond.

With patience, consistency, and a lot of love, your kids can go from squabbling to inseparable. They may not be BFFs this week (or even this year), but you are helping to shape them into friends for life. And that’s a beautiful payoff for all the hard work you put into parenting them through the chaos of childhood.

Here’s to peace in your home and friendship in their hearts! 💕

Sources

1. Northeastern University News – Getting Along With Your Siblings Can Be Taught – Highlights research by psychologist Laurie Kramer indicating that sibling relationships are among the most enduring and significant in life, and that parents can actively teach kids to get along. Also notes young siblings may fight very frequently (up to 8 times an hour) as a normal part of development ​news.northeastern.edu.
2. Child Mind Institute – How to Help Siblings Get Along – Provides strategies for fostering sibling harmony, such as setting up clear schedules and rules to preempt conflicts, and emphasizing the positive aspects of having siblings​. Recommends praising siblings when they work together or are kind to each other​ childmind.org.
3. Anti-Bullying Alliance (UK) – How can I help my child if they are being bullied? – (Relevant by analogy) Suggests listening to each child and assuring them their feelings are heard. In a sibling context, listening calmly to both sides of a conflict can help defuse tensions. Emphasizes not assigning blame without facts and finding solutions together (adapted to sibling disputes)​ anti-bullyingalliance.org.
4. American Psychological Association – Improving Sibling Relationships – Summarizes research that positive sibling relationships contribute to children’s mental health and social skills. Recommends parents facilitate cooperative activities and conflict resolution practice among siblings (supporting tips like setting ground rules and coaching problem-solving).
5. Child Development Institute – Sibling Rivalry – Discusses normalcy of sibling rivalry and advises parents to avoid favoritism, compare children less, and create opportunities for siblings to cooperate and bond. Suggests family meetings to establish rules and let siblings voice feelings in a controlled environment.